Old Age Confusion

The Wrong Way

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the
wrong way on I- 90. Please be careful!"

"Shoot!" said Herman, "it's not just one...
It's hundreds of them!

  

3 Sisters

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together.
 One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses.
 She yells down the stairs, "was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses.
Then she yells, "was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and
listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says,
"I sure hope I never get that forgetful."
She knocks on wood for good measure.
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon
as I see who's at the door."

Silent Advice

An elderly couple were attending church when about
halfway through the service she leaned over and said to him,
 "I just had a silent passing of gas. What should I do?"

Her husband leaned over to her and replied,
"When we get home put a new battery in your hearing aid."

By the time you find greener pastures . . .
your too old to climb the fence.

Life is uncertain . . . eat dessert first
Over the hill . . . is better than under it

You are only young once . . .
but you can stay immature indefinitely

Brain Fodder

Don't miss the few comments after the pictures... PLEASE                     Salary of retired US Presidents .............$180,000 FOR LIFE

Salary of House/Senate .......................$174,000 FOR LIFE   - This is stupid

Salary of Speaker of the House .............$223,500 FOR LIFE   - This is really stupid

Salary of Majority/Minority Leaders ....... $193,400 FOR LIFE   - Ditto last line

Average Salary of a teacher ............... $40,065

Average Salary of Soldier DEPLOYED IN AFGHANISTAN ....... $38,000

I think we found where the cuts should be made!

If you agree ..... pass it on, I just did.

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A Challenging Puzzle

THIS IS NOT THE EASIEST OF PUZZLES............................

Have fun with it!

A     “MOVING” PUZZLE   This is a real puzzle…..not a joke!   Try it, you'll like it, or you'll hate it, or you won’t even remember it.    (Remember to send it on, before you forget it, though)    ****MOVING   PUZZLE****   If you can put this puzzle together. You can say goodbye to Alzheimer's!---AT LEAST FOR NOW......... This is really clever and a bit challenging. As we older people are concerned with Alzheimer's disease, this puzzle may help dispel some fear.  It's easy to put together if you are not affected by Alzheimer's disease, but impossible to do for someone with the disease.    Give it a try. If this puzzle is particularly difficult for you, then your physician can offer you additional testing to check you for Alzheimer's.   Just remember, if you can put this puzzle together, you do not have to fear Alzheimer's!  A really neat puzzle!!   CLICK Here:   Source: Internet

The Alphabet Of Happiness

The Alphabet:

A – ACCEPT	Accept others for who they are and for the choices they’ve made even if you have difficulty understanding their beliefs, motives, or actions.
B – BREAK AWAY	Break away from everything that stands in the way of what you hope to accomplish with your life.
C – CREATE	Create a family of friends whom you can share your hopes, dreams, sorrows, and happiness with.
D – DECIDE	Decide that you’ll be successful and happy come what may, and good things will find you. The roadblocks are only minor obstacles along the way.
E – EXPLORE	Explore and experiment. The world has much to offer, and you have much to give. And every time you try something new, you’ll learn more about yourself.
F – FORGIVE	Forgive and forget. Grudges only weigh you down and inspire unhappiness and grief. Soar above it, and remember that everyone makes mistakes.
G – GROW	Leave the childhood monsters behind. They can no longer hurt you or stand in your way.
H – HOPE	Hope for the best and never forget that anything is possible as long as you remain dedicated to the task.
I – IGNORE	Ignore the negative voice inside your head. Focus instead on your goals and remember your accomplishments. Your past success is only a small inkling of what the future holds.
J – JOURNEY	Journey to new worlds, new possibilities, by remaining open-minded. Try to learn something new every day, an you’ll grow.
K – KNOW	Know that no matter how bad things seem, they’ll always get better. The warmth of spring always follows the harshest winter.
L – LOVE	Let love fill your heart instead of hate. When hate is in your heart, there’s room for nothing else, but when love is in your heart, there’s room for endless happiness.
M – MANAGE	Manage your time and your expenses wisely, and you’ll suffer less stress and worry. Then you’ll be able to focus on the important things in life.
N – NOTICE	Never ignore the poor, infirm, helpless, weak, or suffering. Offer your assistance when possible, and always your kindness and understanding.
O – OPEN	Open your eyes and take in all the beauty around you. Even during the worst of times, there’s still much to be thankful for.
P – PLAY	Never forget to have fun along the way. Success means nothing without happiness.
Q – QUESTION	Ask many questions, because you’re here to learn.
R – RELAX	Refuse to let worry and stress rule your life, and remember that things always have a way of working out in the end.
S – SHARE	Share your talent, skills, knowledge, and time with others. Everything that you invest in others will return to you many times over.
T – TRY	Even when your dreams seem impossible to reach, try anyway. You’ll be amazed by what you can accomplish.
U – USE	Use your gifts to your best ability. Talent that’s wasted has no value. Talent that’s used bill bring unexpected rewards.
V – VALUE	Value the friends and family members who’ve supported and encouraged you, and be there for them as well.
W – WORK	Work hard every day to be the best person you can be, but never feel guilty if you fall short of your goals. Every sunrise offers a second chance.
X – X-RAY	Look deep inside the hearts of those around you and you’ll see the goodness and beauty within.
Y – YIELD	Yield to commitment. If you stay on track and remain dedicated, you’ll find success at the end of the road.
Z – ZOOM	Zoom to a happy place when bad memories or sorrow rears its ugly head. Let nothing interfere with your goals. Instead, focus on your abilities, your dreams, and a brighter tomorrow.

Unbelievable "Pork"

This is unreal. You didn't see this on ABC,CBS or NBC. 
I still can’t believe we have been so duped.


This is a total disgrace!!!!

So this is why Speaker of the House John Boehner would not sign off on the $51 BILLION relief bill for Hurricane Sandy and Chris Christie made a big stink over it........turns out Boehner knew what he was doing......
If you think the government doesn't have a spending problem, just check the items added to the Hurricane Sandy Relief bill sent by the Senate to the House. Do any of them have any relation to the hurricane?

$4 million for the Kennedy Space Center .
$8 million to buy cars and equipment for the Homeland Security and Justice departments.
$20 million for a nationwide "Water Resources Priorities Study".
$41 million for eight military bases including Guantanamo Bay .
$56.8 million for charting the debris from last year's Japanese tsunami.
$58.8 million for forest restoration on private land.
$100 million for the federal Head Start day care program.
$150 million in funding for Alaskan fisheries.
$188 million for new Amtrak lines (not repair, whole new lines).
$197 million "to. protect coastal ecosystems and habitat impacted by Hurricane Sandy."

$5.3 billion to the Army Corps of Engineers (that's more than their annual budget).
 
$10.78 billion for public transportation, most of which is allocated to future construction and improvements, not disaster relief.
$13 billion would go to "mitigation" projects to prepare for future storms.
$17 billion for wasteful Community Development Block Grants (CDBG), a program that has become notorious for its use as a backdoor earmark program.

How does any of this have anything to do with immediate emergency relief for the victims of Hurricane Sandy?

Harry Reid passed this through the Senate then sent them all home, so that the House couldn't send it back in time to remove the pork. All they could do was vote it down. These Senators don't care about the victims of Sandy , it's all just business as usual.

"If you do not take an interest in the affairs of your government, then you are doomed to live under the rule of fools." – Plato

The problem is much deeper and far more serious than Mr. Obama, who is a mere symptom of what ails America . Blaming the prince of the fools should not blind.

Source: Email

Senior Driver

I laughed out loud, all to myself at this one.

Do not regret growing older, It’s a privilege denied to many.

SENIOR DRIVER

My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended

up in his front lawn.

He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.

He said with excitement, "you appear quite elderly to be driving."

"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore.

"The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying,

'You won't need this anymore,' so I thanked him and left!"
Source: Internet

The Graveside Service

After last week, we all need a break.... Everyone have a safe and enjoyable weekend.

.........As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost…

Source: Email

A Soldier Died Today

He was getting old and paunchy
And his hair was falling fast,
And he sat around the Legion,
Telling stories of the past.

Of a war that he once fought in
And the deeds that he had done,
In his exploits with his buddies;
They were heroes, every one.

And 'tho sometimes to his neighbors
His tales became a joke,
All his buddies listened quietly
For they knew where of he spoke.

But we'll hear his tales no longer,
For ol' Joe has passed away,
And the world's a little poorer
For a Soldier died today.

He won't be mourned by many,
Just his children and his wife.
For he lived an ordinary,
Very quiet sort of life.

He held a job and raised a family,
Going quietly on his way;
And the world won't note his passing,
'Tho a Soldier died today.

When politicians leave this earth,
Their bodies lie in state,
While thousands note their passing,
And proclaim that they were great.

Papers tell of their life stories
From the time that they were young
But the passing of a Soldier
Goes unnoticed, and unsung.

Is the greatest contribution
To the welfare of our land,
Some jerk who breaks his promise
And cons his fellow man?

Or the ordinary fellow
Who in times of war and strife,
Goes off to serve his country
And offers up his life?

The politician's stipend
And the style in which he lives,
Are often disproportionate,
To the service that he gives.

While the ordinary Soldier,
Who offered up his all,
Is paid off with a medal
And perhaps a pension, small.

It is not the politicians
With their compromise and ploys,
Who won for us the freedom
That our country now enjoys.

Should you find yourself in danger,
With your enemies at hand,
Would you really want some cop-out,
With his ever waffling stand?

Or would you want a Soldier
His home, his country, his kin,
Just a common Soldier,
Who would fight until the end.

He was just a common Soldier,
And his ranks are growing thin,
But his presence should remind us
We may need his likes again.

For when countries are in conflict,
We find the Soldier's part
Is to clean up all the troubles
That the politicians start.

If we cannot do him honor
While he's here to hear the praise,
Then at least let's give him homage
At the ending of his days.

Perhaps just a simple headline
In the paper that might say:
"OUR COUNTRY IS IN MOURNING,
A SOLDIER DIED TODAY."

Source: One Man's View's Photos

America --- November 22, 1963, 12:40 P.M. CST

CBS News breaks into the live soap opera As the World Turns just as actress Helen Wagner is telling the actor playingher grandfather about the marital problems of her son. A black “bulletin” slide fills the television screen and anchorman Walter Cronkite’s voice is heard over it. …

Walter Cronkite:… “Here is a bulletin from CBS News. In Dallas, Texas, three shots were fired at President Kennedy’s motorcade in downtown Dallas.”

1:11P.M.CST…
Eddie Barker, news director Dallas, KRLD-TV and Radio --- A doctor that I knew came up to me tapped me on the shoulder and whispered in my ear, “Eddie he is dead.” I said, “How do you know?” He said, “I called the emergency room and he is DOA.”

Dan Rather, New Orleans bureau chief, CBS News ---
The hospital was, I don’t want to say panicked, but you could hear in the background tense voices, and the woman on the switchboard was, she was courteous, she was Texas courteous. I was urging her to --- was there somebody I could talk to, somebody who knew what was going on? She said something along the lines of, “All the doctors are busy.” She said it in a way, like, “Don’t you understand what’s going on here?” Then she told me there were two Catholic fathers there, and I asked her if I could speak to one. He said, “What can I help you with?” I told him, “I’m Dan Rather with CBS News” and told him what I was trying to do, that I was trying to confirm the president had been shot. I wasn’t prepared for his answer, which was, “Yes, he’s been shot and he is dead.”

Eddie Barker:… “As you can imagine, there are many stories that are coming in now as to the actual condition of the president. One is that he is dead. This cannot be confirmed .”

1:16 P.M.CST…
Walter Cronkite:… “KRLD is reporting they’ve been told by somebody at the hospital the president is dead. Only a rumor, but they’ve been told that. KRLD is saying… Well, that’s a repeat of something that you heard reported to you directly a moment ago from KRLD Television in Dallas, and that is the rumor that has reached them … that the president is dead, totally unconfirmed apparently as yet. However, let’s go back to KRLD in Dallas.”

Eddie Barker:… “We do not know what his condition is, but the report is that the president is dead …. This is something that the word just came to us a minute ago. The word we have is that President Kennedy is dead. This we do not know for a fact. Word we have is that he is dead, that he was shot by an assassin at the intersection of Elm and Houston Streets just as he was going into the underpass. The word we have is from a doctor on the staff of Parkland Hospital who says that it is true. He was in tears when he told me just a moment ago. This is still not officially confirmed, but, as I say, the source would normally be a good one.”

1:27 P.M. CST …
Walter Cronkite: … “We just have a report from our correspondence, Dan Rather, in Dallas, that he has confirmed that President Kennedy is dead. There is still no official confirmation of this, however.”

1:32 P.M. CST …
Walter Cronkite: … “This is the bulletin that just cleared from Dallas, that the two priests who were in the emergency room, where President Kennedy lay after being taken from the Dallas street corner where he was shot, say that he was dead. Our man, Dan Rather, in Dallas reported that about ten minutes ago, too.”

1:38 P.M. CST …
Walter Cronkite -- I had to report that the president was dead. At that moment it happened, I choked up… “From Dallas, Texas, the flash, apparently official: President Kennedy died at 1:00 P.M., Central Standard Time, two o’clock, Eastern Standard Time --- some thirty - eight minutes ago.” I don’t recall crying at all but I did wipe my eyes, so I guess I must have felt a tear or two. That was a very momentary thing. I did show emotion quite clearly, but I think I managed to swallow that problem pretty quickly and got on with the broadcast. I’m proud of that and I’m not ashamed of choking up for the moment at all.

2:10 P.M. CST …
Walter Cronkite: … The messages are beginning to come in from around the world and from the cities of the United States where a nation is --- in almost --- I say it advisedly --- almost uncontrollable shock, it seems. They’re weeping on the streets. Schools have to be dismissed. My own school is dismissed because the children were weeping so much they couldn’t stay in class. Quite a tragic day --- as we all obviously know.”

November 22, 1963...
The Undelivered Speech, Dallas Texas

“…We in this country, in this generation, are -- by destiny rather than choice --the watchmen on the walls of world freedom. We ask, therefore, that we may exercise our strength with wisdom and restraint --- and that we may achieve in our time and for all time the ancient vision of “peace on earth, good will toward men.” That must always be our goal --- and the righteousness of our cause must underlie our strength. For as written long ago : “Except the Lord keep the city, the watchman waketh but in vain….” 

Click Here for Video. 

Source: Onemansviews

The Art Of The Bar-B-Q

The Art of the Bar-B-Q (Actually it's grilling --BBQ is low and slow) -- It's the only type of cooking a real man will do.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

1) The woman buys the food.

2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill -- beverage in hand.

Here comes the important part .

4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....

5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring him another beverage while he deals with the situation.

Important again

7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine.....

8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most of all .

10) Everyone PRAISES the man and THANKS him for his cooking efforts.

11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

Source: SherisRainbow

Personal Dedication

This is for Southern Belles, Ladies who should  have been Southern Belles, and those who would be Southern Belles if they knew the rules.

And if you ever have a hankering to learn the rules, just watch "Steel Magnolias" or "The Divine Secrets Of The Ya Ya Sisterhood." Or, if you fancy readin, invest a couple of bucks in a couple of books on real Southern heritage called "The Sweet Potato Queens Book Of Love" & "God Save The Sweet Potato Queens." Best money y'all will ever spend! Now, on with the show! Ya Ya!

Someone once noted that a Southerner can get away with the most awful kind of insult just as long as it's prefaced with the words, "Bless her heart" or "Bless his heart." 

For example: "Bless his heart, if they put his brain on the head of a pin, it'd roll around like a BB on a six lane highway." Or, "Bless her heart, she's so bucktoothed, she could eat an apple through a picket fence."

There are also the sneakier ones: "You know, it's amazing that even though she had that baby 7 months after they were married, bless her heart, it weighed 10 pounds."

As long as the heart is sufficiently blessed, the insult can't be all that bad.

I was thinking about this the other day when a friend was telling about her new transplanted Northern friend who was upset because her toddler is just beginning to talk and he has a Southern accent. My friend, who is very kind and, bless her heart, cannot do a thing about those thighs of hers, was justifiably miffed about this.

After all, this woman had CHOSEN to move to the South a couple of years ago. "Can you believe it?" said her friend.  "A child of mine is going to be taaaallllkkin liiiike thiiiissss."

Now, don't get me wrong. Some of my dearest friends are from the North, bless their hearts. I welcome their perspective, their friendships and their recipes for authentic Northern Italian food. I've even gotten past their endless complaints that you can't find good bread down here. And the heathens, bless their hearts, don't like cornbread!

The ones that really gore my ox are the native Southerners who have begun to act almost embarrassed about their speech. We've already lost too much.

I was raised to say "I swanee," not "I swear," but you hardly ever hear any one say that anymore. I swanee you don't.

And I've caught myself thinking twice before saying something is "right much," "right close," or "right good" because non-natives think this is right funny indeed.

I reckon that just like that Dennis Miller, bless his heart, I am fixin to go off on a rant here.
 
I have a friend from Bawston who thinks it's hilarious when I say I've got to "carry" my daughter to the doctor or "cut off" the light. She also gets a giggle every time I am "fixin" to do something. And, bless their hearts, they don't even know  where "over yonder" is or what "I reckon" means!  

My personal favorite was my aunt saying, "Bless her heart, she can't help being ugly, but she could've stayed home."

I hope y'all got some education about us Southern Belles from this. If not, I reckon y'all will just have to get your appreciation for the finer things in life from somewhere less blessed than the South, bless your hearts.

Now y'all come back when y'all can sit a spell, and we'll have us some pecan pie or some peach cobbler and some sweet tea!

Bye Y'all!

Source: wackywits

Ice Cream

TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN, YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE, SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS. HAVE SOME ICE CREAM! In honor of the 44th President of the United States, Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor: Barocky Road Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes. The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. The nuts and flakes are all plentiful. The cost is $92.84 per scoop...so, out of a $100 bill, you are at least promised some CHANGE. When purchased, it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but after you pay for it, the ice cream is taken out of the cone and given to the person in line behind you at no charge. You are left with an almost-empty wallet, staring at an empty cone and wondering what just happened. Then you realize this is what "redistribution of wealth" is all about. Aren't you just stimulated?   Source: Email

A Country Founded By Geniuses But Run By Idiots

If you can get arrested for hunting or fishing without a license, but not for entering and remaining in the country illegally — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If you have to get your parents’ permission to go on a field trip or to take an aspirin in school, but not to get an abortion — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If you MUST show your identification to board an airplane, cash a check, buy liquor, or check out a library book and rent a video, but not to vote for who runs the government — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If the government wants to prevent stable, law-abiding citizens from owning gun magazines that hold more than ten rounds, but gives twenty F-16 fighter jets to the crazy new leaders in Egypt — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If, in the nation’s largest city, you can buy two 16-ounce sodas, but not one 24-ounce soda, because 24-ounces of a sugary drink might make you fat — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If an 80-year-old woman or a three-year-old girl who is confined to a wheelchair can be strip-searched by the TSA at the airport, but a woman in a burka or a hijab is only subject to having her neck and head searched — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to spend trillions more — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If a seven-year-old boy can be thrown out of school for saying his teacher is “cute,” but hosting a sexual exploration or diversity class in grade school is perfectly acceptable — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If hard work and success are met with higher taxes and more government regulation and intrusion, while not working is rewarded with Food Stamps, WIC checks, Medicaid benefits, subsidized housing, and free cell phones — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If the government’s plan for getting people back to work is to provide incentives for not working, by granting 99 weeks of unemployment checks, without any requirement to prove that gainful employment was diligently sought, but couldn’t be found — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If you pay your mortgage faithfully, denying yourself the newest big-screen TV, while your neighbor buys iPhones, time shares, a wall-sized do-it-all plasma screen TV and new cars, and the government forgives his debt when he defaults on his mortgage — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If being stripped of your Constitutional right to defend yourself makes you more “safe” according to the government — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

What a country!

How about we give God a reason to continue blessing America!

Source: politicallytrue