Robin's Return by Leander Fisher - J.J. Sheridan

Ten Signs You Are Too Old For Halloween

You get winded from knocking on the door.

You have to have someone chew the candy for you.

You ask for high fiber candy only.

When someone drops a candy bar in your bag,
       you lose your balance and fall over.

People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!"
       and you're not wearing a mask.

When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..."
       and you can't remember the rest.

By the end of the night you have a bag full of
       restraining orders.

You have to carefully choose a costume that won't
       dislodge your hair piece.

You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood
       with a walker.

You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

Redneck Halloween

You might be a Redneck if:

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch
has more teeth than your spouse.

Bubba's wife passed away and Bubba called 911.
The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send
someone out right away.

 "Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?

 "There was a long pause and finally Bubba said,

 "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?" 

Deep in the backwoods the hillbilly's wife went
into labor in the middle of the night, and the
doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed
the father-to-be a lantern and said,
 "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
    Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put
the lantern down...I think there's another one coming."
    Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
    "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be
putting down that lantern...
It seems there's yet another one in there!"
cried the doctor.
    The hillbilly scratched his head in bewilderment,
and asked the doctor,
"Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

  

Your Redneck Postcard

Dear Billy Joe,

I'm writin this real slow cause I know you can't read very fast.

We don't live where we did when you left, we read that most accidents
happen within 10 miles of home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you our new address cause the last family that
lived here took the house numbers with them so they wouldn't have
to change their address.

This here new place has a washing machine. The first time mama used
it she put in four shirts and pulled the chain and we ain't seen them since.

It only rained here twice this week. Three days the first time and
five days the second time. 

I know it is cold where you are so we're sending you a coat. Mama said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with them buttons on it, so we cut 'em off and put 'em in the pockets.

My sister had a baby this morning. I ain't heard whether it's a boy or girl
so I don't know if I'm an uncle or an aunt.

We got a letter from the funeral home. They said if we don't make the last payment on the funeral bill, up she comes!

Uncle John fell in the big whiskey vat. When they tried to pull him out, he fought them off, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of my friends went off the bridge in a pick up truck. One was driving, the other two was in the back. The driver got out cause he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned, they couldn't get the tailgate down.

Well, I hope this catches you up on things that are going on around here.

Your cuz,

Bubba

Strawberry Icebox Cake

We love anything NO BAKE and this Strawberry Icebox Cake is simply scrumptious! It will be a guaranteed hit in your home so whip one up today!

Ingredients:

Serves: 8 to 12

 

2 pounds fresh strawberries, washed and patted dry
3 3/4 cups heavy cream, divided
1/3 cup confectioners sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla
1/2 teaspoon rosewater, optional
4 sleeves (about 19 ounces, or 24 to 28 whole crackers) graham crackers
2 ounces dark chocolate, finely chopped

Directions:

Take out a few of the best-looking strawberries and set them aside for the garnish. Hull the remainder of the strawberries and cut each berry into thin slices.
With a hand mixer or in the bowl of a stand mixer, whip 3 1/2 cups of cream until it just holds stiff peaks. Add the confectioners sugar, vanilla, and rosewater (if using) and whip to combine.
Spread a small spoonful of whipped cream on the bottom of a 9 x 13-inch baking pan, or a similarly-sized platter. Lay down six graham crackers. Lightly cover the top of the graham crackers with more whipped cream, and then a single layer of strawberries. Repeat three times, until you have four layers of graham crackers. Spread the last of the whipped cream over the top and swirl it lightly with a spoon. Add a few more strawberries.
To make the ganache, heat the remaining 1/4 cup cream until bubbles form around the edges, then pour over the chopped chocolate. Let it stand for a few minutes, then whisk until the mixture is thick and glossy. Drizzle this over the layered dessert with a spoon, or transfer to a squeeze bottle and use that to drizzle.
Refrigerate for at least four hours, or until the crackers have softened completely. Garnish with additional berries.

Recipe Notes

• Building the cake on a platter instead of in a pan: You can build this cake in a 9x13-inch pan as I mention above, or you can build it up on a platter as shown here. Either way works nicely. The 9x13 pan makes it easier to transport the cake, but if you're staying at home, the platter makes it look a little fancier. You don't need to do anything differently when building it on a platter. I do, though, like to smear a bit of cream on the bottom of each cracker as I add it to the stack to keep it steady and in place. 

If you like this check out my blog: "Great," Deep South Recipes


Source: thekitchn.com

What To Eat When You’re Broke

The lower your income is, the more difficult it is to be particular about what you feed your family.

This probably isn't an earth-shattering revelation to anyone, but if you feel like experimenting, try to buy a week’s worth of healthy food for a family on a budget of, say, $50-75.  Food manufacturers that target lower income shoppers with more affordable products tend to include more GMOs and toxic ingredients in their offerings.

It just isn’t possible to stick to my usual food restrictions.  Generally speaking I avoid:

• Non-organic dairy because of the hormones and antibiotics as well as the GMO feed given to the animals
• Non-organic meat because of the hormones and antibiotics as well as the GMO feed given to the animals
• Anything containing corn, soy, or canola in any form because it is almost certain to be GMO
• Anything with chemical additives like artificial colors, flavors, or preservatives
• Anything that is likely to have been doused in pesticides
• Anything containing neurotoxins like MSG, fluoride, or aspartame (along with other artificial sweeteners)

It is a matter, then, of weighing the pros and cons, and figuring out what things, for you, are the most important, while also deciding which standards can be sacrificed.  These decisions will be different for everyone, based on their personal health concerns, their genetic propensity for certain diseases, and the members of the family for whom they are buying the food.

Sometimes, when you’re looking at someone else’s situation while you are comfortably backed by a loaded pantry, it’s easy to be judgemental and tell them what they “should” do. The thing that we  must all remember is that when times are tough, a person may be down to these two options with a two week grocery budget:

1.) Buy strictly healthy organic foods and feed your family for perhaps 8 out of the 14 days.

2.) Carefully select which standards you will relax to keep the tummies of your family full throughout the wait for the next paycheck.

Very few people are going to choose option one.

Usually, I have an enormous stockpile of non-GMO dried foods and a flourishing garden to serve as a back-up for whatever non-toxic items are being offered at a reasonable price that week.  Because I’ve recently moved and am rebuilding my pantry from the ground up, I have no such stockpile right now. I am at the mercy of the food manufacturers.

When your budget is extremely limited, the normal healthy eating suggestions of shopping only the perimeter of the store or visiting the farmer’s market will not suffice to feed a family.  As much as you may want to dine only on locally grown, fresh organic produce, a $50 farmer’s market spree will only get you through a few days if you are totally reliant on only this food.

Source: http://eatlocalgrown.com