"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
"Ahm fixin ta do that"
"He's sittin there like a bump on a pickle"
"I'll slap you so hard, when you wake up, your clothes will be outta style."
"This'll jar your preserves."
"Don't you be makin' me open
a can o' whoop-a%# on ya!"
"Cute as a sack full of puppies."
"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
"Gooder than grits."
"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt
in a pepper patch."
Wintery roads are said to be
"slicker than otter snot."
A bothersome person is
"like a booger that you can't thump off."
When something is bad then you say,
"that ain't no count."
If something is hard to do, it's
"like trying to herd cats."
"He ran like his feet was on fire
and his butt was catchin."
"She's uglier than homemade soap."
"Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed,
it said 'To be continued'."
"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
"He's so ugly, his momma tied a ham bone around his neck so the dogs would play with him"
"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
"She's so ugly , she looks like she ran thru the forrest and hit every tree"
"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead."
Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart." like:
"She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."