This is for Southern Belles, Ladies who should have been Southern Belles, and those who would be Southern Belles if they knew the rules.
And if you ever have a
hankering to learn the rules, just watch "Steel Magnolias" or "The Divine Secrets Of The Ya Ya Sisterhood." Or, if you
fancy readin, invest a couple of bucks in a couple of books on real Southern
heritage called "The Sweet Potato Queens Book Of Love" & "God Save The
Sweet Potato Queens." Best money y'all will
ever spend! Now, on with the show! Ya Ya!
Someone once noted that a
Southerner can get away with the most awful kind of
as long as it's prefaced with the words, "Bless her heart" or "Bless his
For example: "Bless
his heart, if they put his brain on the head of a
roll around like a BB on a six lane highway." Or, "Bless her
heart, she's so bucktoothed, she could eat an apple through a picket
There are also the sneakier ones: "You know,
it's amazing that even though she had that baby 7 months after they
were married, bless
her heart, it weighed 10 pounds."
As long as the heart is sufficiently blessed,
the insult can't be all that bad.
I was thinking about this the other day
when a friend was
telling about her new transplanted Northern friend who was
her toddler is just beginning to talk and he has a Southern
friend, who is very kind and, bless her heart, cannot do a thing about
those thighs of hers, was
justifiably miffed about this.
After all, this woman had CHOSEN to move to the South a couple of
years ago. "Can you believe it?" said her friend. "A
child of mine is going to be taaaallllkkin liiiike
Now, don't get me wrong. Some of my
dearest friends are from the North, bless their hearts. I
welcome their perspective, their friendships and their recipes for authentic
Northern Italian food. I've
even gotten past their endless complaints that you can't find good
bread down here. And the
heathens, bless their hearts, don't like cornbread!
ones that really gore my ox are the native Southerners who have begun
to act almost embarrassed about their speech. We've
already lost too much.
I was raised to say "I swanee," not "I
swear," but you hardly ever hear any one say that anymore. I swanee
And I've caught myself thinking twice
before saying something is "right much," "right close," or
"right good" because
non-natives think this is right funny indeed.
I reckon that just like that Dennis Miller, bless his heart, I am fixin to go
off on a rant here.
I have a friend from Bawston who thinks
it's hilarious when I say I've got
to "carry" my daughter to the doctor or "cut off" the light. She
also gets a giggle every time I am "fixin" to do something. And, bless their hearts, they don't even know where "over yonder" is
or what "I reckon" means!
My personal favorite was my aunt
saying, "Bless her heart, she can't help being ugly, but
she could've stayed home."
I hope y'all got some education about us Southern Belles from
this. If not,
I reckon y'all will just have to get your
the finer things in life from somewhere less blessed than the South,
bless your hearts.
Now y'all come back when y'all can sit a
spell, and we'll have us some pecan pie or some peach cobbler and some