The dog, predictably, was losing.
"He would probably do better if he could read the cards," the man commented.
"Oh, he can read cards just fine," said one of the players. "But every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."
~~~For her 40th birthday, a wife told her husband, "I'd love to be 10 again."
So that Saturday, they had a heaping stack of chocolate-chip pancakes, her favorite childhood breakfast. Then they hit the playground and a merry-go-round. They finished the day with a banana split.
"So how did you enjoy being a kid for a day?" the husband asked.
"Great," the wife replied. "But when I said I wanted to be 10 again, I meant my dress size."
~~~Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.
"Yes," says Sally, "a lock of my husband's hair."
"But Larry's still alive."
"I know, but his hair is gone."
Chinese Proverb and the Washington WayOriginal Chinese Proverb:Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.2012 White House Revision:Give a man a welfare check, a free cell phone with unlimited free minutes, cash for his clunker, foodstamps, section 8 housing, free contraceptives,Medicaid, ninety-nine weeks of unemployment, freemedicine, and he will vote for Democrats the rest ofhis life; even after he's deceased.
I have some advice for you today. It came from my own Dad. He told me once that if I ever thought I was indispensable to get a “glass of water”. Then put my finger down into the glass. Then he said pull out my finger and look at the glass. If it leaves a hole, then you truly are indispensable. I’ll never forget that important message.
A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.
The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment - I spit on your ties. I need water!”
"Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and only $5."
"Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you but... I must conserve my energy and find water!"
"Okay," said the little old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need... Go In Peace."
Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he crawled back, almost dead and gasped...
"They won't let me in without a tie!”
Two elderly ladies had been friends since their 30's. Now in their 80's, they still got together a couple of times a week to play cards. One day they were playing gin rummy and one of them said, "You know, we’ve been friends for many years and, please don't get mad, but for the life of me, I can't remember your name. Please tell me what it is."
Her friend glared at her. She continued to glare and stare at her for at least three minutes. Finally, she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.~~~
An old man walks into the barbershop for shave and a haircut, but tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."
A wife texts her husband on a cold morning: "Windows frozen."
Her husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it."
The wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer completely messed up now."
New customer to Tech Support: “It says, hit any key and when I do that nothing happens'.
Tech Support: Can you try again and tell me what happens?
Customer: 'Tried but nothing”
Tech Support: “What key did you hit?
After a moment and some chickling sound the customer replied: Well, first I tried my car key and just now my office key.
It was just before Christmas and the magistrate was in a happy mood. He asked the prisoner who was in the dock, "What are you charged with?"
The prisoner replied, "Doing my Christmas shopping too early."
"That's no crime," said the magistrate. "Just how early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the shop opened."
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners. The churchgoer was known for being a terrible housekeeper.
When the minister sat down at the table, he noticed the dishes were the dirtiest he had ever seen in his life.
"Have these dishes ever been washed?" he asked the hostess, running his fingers over the filthy dishes.
She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."
He felt a bit apprehensive but said grace and started eating. It was quite delicious, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside, whistled and yelled, "Here, Soap! Here, Water!"
A local business was looking for office help and put up sign stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so the manager lead him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter.
He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to open and use all the productivity software. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded!
He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow."
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
Husband: Whenever I get mad at you, you never seem to get upset. How do you manage to control your temper?
Wife: I just go and clean the toilet.
Husband: How does that help?
Wife: I use your toothbrush.
A funeral director asked a young minister to hold a graveside service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. As this was a new cemetery, this man was the first to be laid to rest there.
The minister was not familiar with the area and became lost, but he finally found the cemetery about an hour later. The backhoe was there, and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.
He apologized to the workers for being late. As he looked into the open grave, he saw the vault lid already in place. He told the workers he would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.
He was young and enthusiastic and poured out his heart and soul as he preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" He got so into the service that he preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to Revelation.
When the service was over, he said a closing prayer and walked to his car. As he opened the door, he heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic systems for 20 years!"
This is the story of our favorite blonde flying in a two-seat airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day:
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying:
"The is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father. . . Who art in Heaven. . . .."
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
You're right," She said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
Three men were talkin' about a new scheme, and one of them was an engraver. He said, "I can make a batch of money, and we'll pass it out and get rich."
He showed up with the money—all eighteen-dollar bills.
The other guys said, "You must be nuts! Nobody'll take an eighteen-dollar bill." He said, "Don't get excited. I know where we can get rid of 'em—down in Tennessee." They said, "Well, come on, let's go get rid of 'em fast."
They drove down to the mountains of Tennessee and they pulled up to a filling station in front of a little country grocery store. The owner came out and said, "Y'all wanna get something?" They said, "Yeah, fill it up with Hi-Test, boy."
The guy filled it up and said, "Anything else?"
One of them got out an eighteen-dollar bill and popped it a few times and said, "You got change for that?" The country boy looked it over a few times, popped it a couple of times, and said, "Oh yes. Whaddya want, three sixes or two nines?"
An older man and his friend were having a conversation one night, and the topic drifted to memory, or lack of it. The first man mentions to his friend:
"My wife and I have been having a hard time remembering very simple things lately, and a friend recommended that we see this memory specialist doctor."
"Oh, well how is it working out for you?" asked the friend. "Has it helped either one of your memory's?"
"Very much so!" replied the man. "The results are incredible!!"
"What's the name of this doctor?" asked his friend.
"Hmm, its a really long last name I know," he replied. "Well, help me out for a second. What's the name of the one kind of flower, with the thorns, and that grows on a bush?"
"A rose?" said his friend.
"Yes, Yes! A rose!" says the man. "Rose dear, what's the name of that memory doctor we've been seeing?"