Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle
with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that
we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop
the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what the heck I'm
looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other,
"I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these darn
computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start."
We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to
bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan.
You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries
at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find
exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the
same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick
up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I
will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost
me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has
to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in
my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced,
I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I
was able to survive by holding a calculator).
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking
about. The answer is always either sex, cars, or food, though
I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your
mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about
her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's
Day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick
up something for my mom, too!
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.
Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought
what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either
pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine.
Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the 21st century,
I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry,
the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes.
I'll do the rest.