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Friday, March 14, 2014

Life's Unanswered Questions

Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars?
If someone leads but no one follows... are they just out for a walk?
Did Washington flash a quarter when asked for ID?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

How can something be 'new and improved'? If it's new what was it improving on?
If all of the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Why do we say that an alarm goes 'off?'
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
Have you ever wondered what the other side of your belly button looks like?
Once they figured out how to put food in a can, how long was it before they invented the can opener to get it out of the can?
How many parking spaces do you need to make a parking lot? Is it just a few or a lot?
Why can’t you break a bubble underwater?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

How come when you are driving through a neighborhood looking for an address, you turn the radio down?

How do the skittle company people know what a rainbow tastes like?

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?

If knees were backward, what would chairs look like?

Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

If we're not supposed to eat late-night snacks, why is there a light in the refrigerator?

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?

If you mix milk of magnesia with vodka and orange juice, do you get a Phillip's screw driver?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

If your clone kills you, is that suicide?

Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?

What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

What is a near-miss? If you nearly miss something, don't you hit it?

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, who's the idiot that said: Quit while you're ahead?

If we find life on other planets, what would happen to the Miss Universe pageant?

Does the fountain of youth and the fountain of knowledge come from the same fictitious underground stream?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If cocaine were legal, would they sell it in little packages like Sweet N' Low? Would they call it Sweet N' High?

If drinking and driving is illegal, why do bars have parking lots?

Is it possible for someone to become addicted to therapy? And if so, how would you treat them?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

Can a storm be officially designated as a tornado without touching down at a trailer park?

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

Can I yell MOVIE in a crowded firehouse?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Does a person ever get sick without being tired?

Does Mr. Rogers really want us to be his neighbor?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algae-bra?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How can there be a limited lifetime warranty?

How can there be self-help GROUPS?

How can you be ALONE with somebody? Think about it...

How come the bullets that work are fired, and the ones that don't work are not?

How do 'Do Not Walk on Grass' signs get there?

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you know if honesty is the best policy unless you've tried some of the others?

How do you remove a club soda stain?

How does a thermos know whether a drink should be hot or cold?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

How much would they pay the matador if the bull had no horns?

If 7-11 is open 24-7 and 365 days a year why do they have locks on their doors?

If a book about failure doesn't sell, is it a success?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

If a tree falls on a mime in the forest, does anyone care?

If aliens are smart enough to travel through space, why do they keep abducting the dumbest people on earth?

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

If atheists say there is no God, who do they think pops up the next Kleenex in the box?

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If con is the opposite of pro, then what is the opposite of progress?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

If it's called a boxing RING, then why are they square?

If knowledge is power and power corrupts, doesn't knowledge corrupt?

If Mike Brady was supposed to be this groovy architect, why did he force 6 kids into 2 bedrooms?

If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?

If the only thing to survive a plane crash is the black box, why don't they make the whole plane out of the black box?

If they're psychic and I need them so much, why don't they just phone me?

If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?

If you ate pasta and anti pasta, would you still be hungry?

If you saw with a sawhorse, do you seesaw with a seahorse?

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

If you try to fail, and then succeed, what've you really done?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

Is a metaphor like a simile?

Is Santa so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live?

Is there another word for synonym?

May I refuse to inherit the earth?

On Gilligan's Island, if the professor could build a radio out of coconut, why couldn't he fix a hole in the boat?

Practice makes perfect, but if nobody's perfect, why practice?

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

Shouldn't the cosmic stupidity hopper be empty by now?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?

What does the hotcake seller say when his hotcakes are selling quickly?

What happened to the first 6 'ups'?

What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?

What if the Hokey Pokey really IS what it's all about?

What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

What is a 'free' gift? Aren't all gifts free?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

What year did Jesus think it was?

What's the speed of dark?

When it rains, how come cows don't knock on the farmer's door and say, "Hey, let us in, we're all wearing leather out here!"

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

Whenever you're holding all the cards, why does everyone else turn out to be playing chess?

Where are the bacteria that cause 'good' breath?

Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all?

Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty is an egg?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word 'monosyllabic'?

Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?

Why are they called apartments if they are stuck together?

Why aren't there ever any GUILTY bystanders?

Why do doctors call what they do practice?

Why do gas stations lock their bathrooms? Are they afraid that someone is going to clean them?
Why do hot dogs come ten to a package and hot dog buns only eight?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Why do they call it instant credit when it actually means instant debt?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

Why do tourists go to the top of tall buildings and then put money in telescopes so they can see things on the ground in close-up?

Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing is wrong?

Why is Greenland icy, and Iceland green?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is it that normal people are the ones you don't know?

Why is it that when our kids are naughty we ask "do you want a spanking?" What are they going to say, "Yes please, may I have two?"...

Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95/minute?

Why is it that when we ship something by truck, it's called a shipment but if we send something by ship, it's called cargo?

Why is it you must wait until night to call it a day?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is a boxing ring square?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? …Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

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